Where is God?

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!".

The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God ?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God ?"

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing.

A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God ?"

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief.

He finally said, "We are in BIG trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIG trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."

Author Unknown

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The Humorous Side of Positive Thinking

1. All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

2. A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

3. As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

4. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

5. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

6. I am at one with my duality.

7. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

8. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

9. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

10. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

11. My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass?

12. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

13. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step – blaming my parents.

14. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

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6th Grade History Test

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

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Job Applications

1. "I was wholly responsible for two failed financial institutions".

2. "Its best for employers that I not work with people"

3. "Lets meet so that you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience". 

4. "I am a perfectionist, and rarely if if ever forget details".

5. "Marital status: single, unmarried, unengaged, uninvolved. No commitments".

6. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse".

7. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail".

8. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing".

9. "My goal is to become a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stocks".

10. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant".

11. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far".

12. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest Chain Store".

13. "Please dont misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job".

14. "Marital status: often. Children: various".

15. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45am every morning. I could not work under these conditions".

16. "The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers".

17. "References: none. I have left a path of destruction behind me".

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Job Evaluations

1. "Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig".

2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity".

3. "I would not allow this employee to breed".

4. "Works well under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap".

5. "When she opens her mouth, it is only to change whichever foot was already in there".

6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle".

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy".

8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them".

9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot".

10. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts the better".

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Military Performance Appraisals

1. "He must have gotten into the gene pool while the lifeguard was not looking".

2. "He has a room temperature IQ".

3. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus".

4. "Has a photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on".

5. "One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests".

6. "Donated his body to science before he was done using it".

7. "The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is not coming".

8. "Has two brains. One is lost and the other is out looking for it".

9. "He is so dense that light bends around him".

10. "If brains were taxed he would get a rebate".

11. "If he were any more stupid he would have to be watered twice a week".

12. "Its hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm".

13. "It takes him two hours to watch 60 minutes".

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